Subtitles by Phaeton
Congratulations, Hudson High Class of 2004.
There she is. Fiona!
Bye.
- Hey. - Hey!
- Hey, you.
- Congratulations, graduate. - Thanks, baby.
And congratulations to you, Cooper.
Aww. Thanks, baby!
- Nice try. - All right.
- See you at Wade's party tonight? - See you then.
So, it's just you and me for the entire summer.
Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.
- Scott, we need to talk. - Yeah? About what?
About me dumping you.
Huh?
There he is!
The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend. OK?
Smile, you two!
- Action! - Dad, Mom, Grandma...
Uncle Moke... uh...
I'm gonna need a minute here, OK?
What do you mean, you're dumping me?
I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.
What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.
I know. That's what makes this so hard.
You're looking good, you guys.
Scotty, it's not you. It's me.
There I go, lying again. No, it was you.
You're just so...
...predictable. - Smile!
So, that's it.
Here's your letter jacket back.
Goodbye.
This isn't mine.
She's a keeper, huh? Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
Fiona!
Let's see that again.
Fiona!
- This is just so brutal.
And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.
- Fiona! - Bert, get out of here.
OK.See you.
All right. Stay black, Bert.
"Fiona!"
Mail, motherfucker!
Hey, I got one from Mieke.
"Happy Herzlichen."
Still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class.
Yeah at first, but we're actually becoming good friends.
He's a really cool guy.
"Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal."
Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals.
Listen to yourself, all right?
You met a "cool guy" on the "internet." This is how these sexual predators work.
Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting"
where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van,
and make a wind chime out of your genitals.
Come on, let's go to Wade's.
All right. Screw it. Let's go.
I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night.
Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.
- What's up, losers? - What's up, Jenny?
What's up, dude?
Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.
That's very sweet of you. Thanks.
Enough Fiona talk. Look around. There's gotta be 100 drunk girls.
We should try to have sex with every one of 'em.
Hello? Mixed company?
What?
- I'm a girl! - No, you're not.
- You're just a cool guy with long hair. - So, where's your evil twin brother?
Jenny!
There he is.
Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.
Why'd you get me gin and tonic?
- I hate gin. - You do?
You guys are the worst twins ever!
Chug! Chug!
- When are you guys taking off? - Tomorrow morning.
Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy.
Man, I am so excited!
A whole summer, backpacking around Europe.
You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty!
It's gonna be so awesome!
Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!
You brought a guidebook to a party?
- Do you wanna see my itinerary? - Do you wanna see my balls?
You guys decide where you're gonna go first?
Paris! I can't wait.
Two years ago Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met a wealthy French guy,
and spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht.
Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
It's not gay. I'm a girl.
- Kinda gay. - A little gay.
I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight.
Going to play a little song for you
about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know...
Fiona.
This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary.
" Scotty doesn't know That Fiona and me
" Do it in my van every Sunday
" She tells him she's in church But she doesn't go
" Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know
" Oh, Scotty doesn't know
" So don't tell Scotty Scotty doesn't know
" Scotty doesn't know "
I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.
- We will be. - I know.
Who needs more Chablis?
- Candy, wanna come with? - No, I'll stay here.
Well, there's your R-rating right there.
- Whoops!
Holy cow!
Oh, this isn't where I parked my car!
" I can't believe He's so trusting
" While I'm right behind you thrusting
" 'Cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know "
Cooper Harris, you're a pig!
Uh... Candy, you should clean that off before you go.
Clean what off?
You got a little something on you.
- Where? - Right there.
It's like a smudge, or something.
Where?
It's like dirt, or something. Just go like this.
Is it off?
No, keep rubbing it.
" I did it with her on his birthday
" Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know
" Don't tell Scotty Scotty doesn't know "
Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm...
No, it's just not coming off.
What is it?
Maybe tree sap or something. Try pinching it.
No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what.
Lick your fingers, get some saliva going.
Like this?
Yeah.
Again, not enough saliva.
- Is it off yet? - Fine, I'll do it.
Come here.
Oh, my God! Candy!
Cooper!
Hey...
This isn't where I parked my car.
" Scotty doesn't know
Hey.
Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!
This band rocks!
- Yeah!
Mail, motherfucker!
Hey, Mieke.
"Dear Scott,
"I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you.
"Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America
"and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could...
"zussamen."
What the fuck is "zussamen"?
"Arrange a meeting."
No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right.
This guy wants to have sex with me.
"Listen, Mieke...
"I don't want to arrange any meetings with you,
"you sick, German freak.
"So please keep your hands off my genitals,
"and never write to me again, and don't come to America."
"Goodbye."
Oww.
I'm never drinking again. Oh, that's nice.
Bert, what are you doing?
Reading your email.
Don't do that.
Why are you wearing my bathrobe?
Oh, I'm sorry...
but somebody pissed all over mine last night.
Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.
I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.
No, it says right here, "trauriges madchen."
"I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona."
Fuckin' A, Scott.
I'm taking "Intro to German," and even I know that.
Come here.
He sent me a picture, retardo.
See? That's a picture of Mieke and his cute cousin, Jan.
No, retardo.
That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike,"
it's "Mieke," a common German girl's name,
similar to our Michelle.
I hope you wrote her back and told her to come visit.
You didn't?
You thought she was a guy!
I'm getting the video camera! Ha!
What an asshole!
No.
No!!
"Address blocked"? "Email not delivered."
No... come on!
Hey, Mom made waffles.
- What's going on? - I'm in love with my penpal.
I'm in love with Mieke.
OK... OK.
You know what? I was actually expecting this.
Frankly, I'm flattered you picked me to come out to first.
And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause...
- I think they already know. - No, you idiot. Mike is a girl.
No, no, I get it. Yeah.
He's the girl, and you're the girl, and sometimes you're both the girl.
Right?
Right? That's hot.
But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.
Wow. Who's the hot chick?
That's "Mike." I mean, Mieke.
That's who you've been writing to all this time?
Until last night, when I took your advice
and told her to keep her "hands off my genitals."
Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.
This is a total disaster.
Oh, come on. It's not that bad.
Though she is really hot.
You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like.
Mieke and I had this incredible bond.
I told her things I couldn't even tell you.
Like what?
- Nothing. It's a figure of speech. - No, seriously. What?
- Nothing. The point... - You like me better, right?
This girl is not only smart and funny, and stunningly beautiful,
but until I screwed up, she wanted to come all the way to America,
just to be with me.
- So do something about it. - What can I do?
She blocked her email account, her phone number's not listed.
The only thing I know is she lives in Berlin.
So go to Berlin.
I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.
- Why not? - Because...
I just can't, OK? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer.
It looks good on my med school application.
Oh, Jesus, Scotty!
Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.
- I'm going to Germany. - No...
we're going to Germany.
How are we going to get to Germany?
Don't worry. I've got it covered.
- We're going to be couriers? - Best way to get a cheap flight.
We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there.
- My cousin did it going to India. - Yeah?
Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi
and they had to cut off his leg. You know...
but he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.
OK, I don't have anything to Germany for a week.
But I can get you both to London today for $118.
Anything else?
Europe is the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.
- Cooper, England's an island. - OK, swim. Whatever.
We'll take it.
Hey. Thanks for coming with me.
I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Well, forget about the law firm.
And don't thank me. I should be thanking you.
This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Ah.
You know America was founded by prudes.
Prudes who left Europe, because they hated
all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on.
And now I, Cooper Harris,
will return to the land of my perverted forefathers
and claim my birthright, which is a series
of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?
It's my passion.
Come on, come on!
- The adventure begins. - Welcome to jolly old England.
Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air.
- Oh. - What is that?
It's the phone they gave me at the law firm.
Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh?
- Works anywhere. - Yeah?
Excuse me.
Cooper here.
Hello, Mr. Walters.
Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage.
Um, hang on one second.
No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere.
Yes, sir, I'll keep looking.
I don't rest until I find it.
Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
They would've stopped paying me. It seemed easier.
- So, where to? - I don't know.
First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow. What do you wanna do?
Got the Tower of London... there's Buckingham Palace.
- Uh... - There's no drinking age.
- There you go! - Come on.
- Hey!"The Fiesty Goat."
All right!
What do you wanna...
Soccer hooligans.
Hey, this isn't where I parked my car!
Oy!
Who the bloody hell are you?
This is a private members bar, exclusively for the supporters
of the greatest football team in the world...
Manchester United.
Now please, enlighten me.
Who the fuck are you?!
That is a good question, and... Scotty?
Huh?
We're the Manchester United fan club...
from Ohio.
If you're Manchester United supporters...
sing the Manchester United song.
Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer...
- Sing!! - " My baby takes
" The morning train
" He works from 9 to 5 and then
" He takes another home again
" To find me...
" watching the Manchester United football team! "
Eh?
The best freakin' team in all the land! Whoo-hoo!
Pretty good.
- Pretty dang good, lads! - Yeah!
" My baby takes the morning train
" He works from 9 to 5 and then
" He takes another home again
" To find me waiting for him
" He's always on that morning train "
I've unblocked your email address,
but this Scott is not responding.
He was the one.
I was going to give myself to him.
Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else...
fraulein.
I'm never drinking again.
Coop, wake up.
Oh, man, that was a wild night.
You think?
Scotty, where the hell are we going?
Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.
Honey, where's Scotty?
- Cooper said they were going camping. - Oh, that's nice.
And where's Bert?
Fuck if I know.
Hey! How are you, you scalawag!
Look, given the current geopolitical climate,
all European countries should have a seat at the table.
- Right. - Except those fucking Ities.
I hate them Italian bastards.
- You know what I mean? - Excuse me.
Hello, boyo!
- What the hell happened last night? - You got steamed up, pissed as a fart.
Too much sauce, son.
Don't worry.
We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.
What trip?
- Where are we going? - What do you mean, where are we going?
We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris.
Aren't we, boys?
Yeah!
Why are you yelling at me?
So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it
before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance
and have her lick me yardballs!
Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.
Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris.
I know. Cecil told me.
Mieke's in Berlin. We're not going to Berlin.
What are we gonna do? We need a plan.
See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking.
Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.
That's why France and Germany have always been allies.
The twins. The twins are in Paris, right?
We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.
Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls.
Hey, don't...
You're on the wrong side of the road,
you snail-eating puffs.
Fuck off! Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!
Piss off! Get in here and say that,
you froggy Itie shities!
- Fucking beep!
We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!
Get out of the way! Piss off!
Hey, lads!
That wanker's got a frog football shirt on!
Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking!
Come on, lads, he's going off!
All right. Twins said they'd meet us here.
Look at that!
There they are. Come on. Jenny!
- Jamie! - Hey!
Come here!
No, no. No, no, no!
- Scott, bienvenu a Paris. - Thank you.
- Is that a new camera? - It isn't just a camera,
this is a Leica M7.
Uber-sensitive exposure settings,
legendary cloth shutter system.
- Let me see that thing. - No can do.
I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it,
so nobody touches my camera but me.
- It's like your wiener. - No, it's not...
- Jenny... - Cooper, leave him alone.
Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.
Wait, not just any girl.
Show her the picture, Scotty.
She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.
I'm a girl from your high school.
No, I mean "girl" girls.
Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris!
Let's go to the Louvre!
To the Louvre!
So, you guys wanna stay here,
or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?
Here's a fun fact. Voltaire contracted syphilis two blocks from here.
- Should we go? - Can we please get out of here?
- This guy's really creeping me out. - Who, robot man?
He's just trying to feed his robot family.
- I really don't like him. - Why?
Because he's doing this?
OK, seriously, don't do that.
Cooper. Do not hate me.
I am familiar with over 600 dance moves
and I am programmed to get...
freaky.
You're just upset because people like me better.
It's okay.
Oh!
Fight! Fight!
Break the leg shot!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.
- Ohhh! - That was not cool.
- Oh!
Guys, let's go. Come on.
Error! Error! Error!
How cool is this?
It's a shame we only get to spend one day together.
- Why don't you come to Berlin? - Umm, no.
Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges.
This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this.
Plus, we're in Europe. Huh?
This should be the trip of a lifetime.
There's no way we should split up.
All right, this table is now Europe, OK?
Excuse me.
We are right here, in Paris,
and I have got to get to Mieke,
who is over here, in Berlin.
If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff
to see along the way.
- We can go to Denmark. - I love Denmark.
- We gotta hit Amsterdam. - Definitely.
And the cathedral at Cameret!
- Yeah... - Maybe. We'll see.
- Whatever. - If there's time.
Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.
Fine.
- Excellent! - All right!
- A toast! - Yes!
- To Mieke! - To Europe!
To Europe!
Merci.
- Berlin, here we come! - All right.
Better let me hold on to those.
- What the hell is that? - It's a traveler's money belt.
Frommer's says if you have one of these,
no one can rob you of anything.
Except your dignity.
No, you just put that in your...
wait, what?
Come on, guidebook. Let's go.
Check it out.
European ass.
What's up?
Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some...
girl. Come on. Platform 4.
Thanks.
Damn!
I believe this is yours.
Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.
- Jenny, let's go! - Move it!
Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...
- Jenny! - I'm coming!!
So, it was really nice to meet you.
The pleasure was all mine...
Jennifer.
" Scotty doesn't know That Fiona and me "
" Do it in my van on Sundays "
" Tells him she's... " What?
You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.
" Tells him she's in church But she doesn't go "
" Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know "
" Scotty doesn't know "
- " Scotty doesn't... " - Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.
Huh?
Ah! Si...
Si.
Pardon me.
Eh?
Ohhh...
Scusi.
Mi scusi.
Hi.
Buongiorno.
- What the hell are you doing? - Mi scusi, mi scusi.
No! No, no, no!
- Uh-oh. - What?
Big tunnel.
Who's touching me? Scotty, is that you?
Who's touching me?! Scotty!
Oh!
Scusi.
Buongiorno.
Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.
Well, we got a couple of hours to kill.
What's there to see in this town?
Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres.
It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea.
Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving."
What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO?
We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue.
I'm taking a nap.
Wake me up when the train gets here.
Hmm. Says here this town has a famous nude beach.
All right, we can't all just lie around all day.
We gotta experience the culture firsthand.
Let's go exploring!
So, what's the etiquette on boners?
Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it,
or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
Wait, wait.
Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?
Of course.
Do you think you can go an hour
without your currency colostomy bag?
As long as this thing has our money and passports in it,
it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.
Come on.
You came all the way to Europe.
Can't wimp out now.
OK.
All right, on the count of three.
Here we go.
3,2,1...
Look at Jamie's penis!
Very funny. Very funny.
All right.
Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin.
- Here we go. - Really?
- Yes. - Mm-hmm.
- Hello, ladies!
- Ladies? - Bitches?
Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here,
Just guys like us looking for nude girls.
I don't understand.
"Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent.
"However...
"during the summer, the European women
"are chased away by gawking male tourists,
"so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach
"next to the Monument des Poissonieres."
There's so many penises.
Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.
This is the biggest sausage fest on earth.
It's the international house of sausage.
Hey!
- Thanks for waiting. - You're not missing anything.
It's all guys.
At least the sun's out.
" Dreams come true "
" I made my dreams come true "
" My dreams come true "
Holy crap!
What? I thought this was a nude beach.
No!!!
- Huh? - No.
- What? What are you doing? - Jenny, you gotta cover up.
Girl?
Girl!
Ooh, girl. Girl... girl.
Girl... girl...
Run!
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Go on without me. - All right. See ya.
Chica! Chica!
Reading Mieke's old emails again?
Yeah.
I have no idea what I'm going to say to that girl when I see her.
You know, she said I might be the one?